The Sins of the Father (Mother..Aunt, Uncle even some Cousins) Pt. 1

Years ago, when I was still an young, impressionable girl, I was watching Oprah. She had a Doctor on the show speaking about relationships. Being that I was 12 or 13…. I found this information extremely crucial. I needed to know how I could identify a healthy relationship, to know which man I would marry to be able to procreate and so forth. Although it would be a good year or two before i even met my first boyfriend (using that term very loosely seeing as our relationship spanned all of a week, ending with me breaking up with him due to my inability to master my Biology class…i.e. I had too much homework to be someone’s girlfriend). Nonetheless, the Doctor was telling the audience that when we get into a relationship we are subconsciously working through all of our childhood issues. Therefore whatever cracks there are in the portrait of our childhoods in our mind, we spend the rest of our lives attempting to correct. At the time, I thought I was lucky. I was already 13, practically an adult, and to the best of my knowledge my childhood was perfect. Therefore, my relationships would be so much less tumultuous …( foreshadowing…)
Growing up in a West Indian family, I got used to hearing parables and sayings all the time. The one that perplexed me the most “the sins of the father, fall on the daughter”. I was extremely bothered by this saying—to me it meant it didn’t matter how good of a girl I was, my father’s sins would magically have a result on my life. As a result of my disdain for the saying in conjunction with the fact that I heard a new West Indian bit of wisdom every day: “if your ear rings, some one is talking about you”, “spit on your hair when you get a compliment” or “If you turn the broom upside down, unwanted company will leave” (ive tried that numerous times to no avail)--i ignored it. I soothed my soul by telling myself, like most things I heard growing up, it was simply untrue. However… that may have been the one piece of advice that I should have paid attention too.

As I grew up , I realized the saying wasn’t some type of black magic, but rather it was explaining the idea of patterns that are passed down from generation to generation. Basically, what you learned growing up , consciously and subconsciously, will come to light when you are an adult.

Uh oh…

Growing up in an household, where my father’s indiscretions were as discrete as a freight train in the wee hours in the morning, that probably should have been a red flag. However, his actions were extremely normalized—reinforced by Uncles, Aunts and older cousins who foolishly followed in the footsteps that were placed before them. Nevertheless, I felt like this experience made me stronger. I was smarter than the average girl. My perception of what life would be like when I grew up was brutally honest. For years I believed that I had been unaltered by whatever did not go right in my wonder years... boy was I wrong.



One day, I woke up, and realized, that everything I thought I'd avoided, I had really ignored. And all of the complexes that have been growing in that dark corner of my personality, are actually still there and have had an effect on every decision I've made regarding relationships, and everything else in my life. Now in the 5th year of my relationship, I find myself realizing things about myself I had never known before.

A few weeks back I learned something new about relationships in the darndest place... Church. The reverend was speaking about relationships and why there are so many issues when it comes to men and women relating to each other in a romantic sense. The most poignant point that he presented was that once you are in a relationship and are happy and you feel safe and secure-- that’s when you're real issues will surface. As a result of your partner being a supportive force in your life, you will feel secure enough (subconsciously.. maybe even consciously) for your little "demons" to rear their ugly heads.

To round this drawn out post down, the reason i wanted to discuss this is to say we all have hang ups. Issues that we have not fully addressed whether we realize it or not. In order to have the healthiest relationships possible we must face these issues. For years I acted as if I wasn’t upset with my daddy for cheating on me (yes, I took it very personally) however, once I was honest with myself, and my father... I was able to realize that I did have un resolved issues.
Its not easy trying to figure out what our patterns are regarding love and relationships, and not everything that you picked up in childhood is negative. Some positive thoughts emotions and ideas could have been developed and nurtured. And you should give that just as much attention as you give the not so positive ones. However, do yourself (and your future mate) a favor. Reflect.