There's a thin line, between content and complacent

Talking to a friend the other day regarding a life changing move she was about to undergo. Not feeling the idea of packing up and leaving everything that feels right, she was sounding rather hesitant. Being that I uprooted my life at the age of 14 to attend boarding school... I understood how scary the whole process of relocation is. Despite knowing that you are investing in future happiness.... And also undertaking a new adventure it is heart wrenching to think of all that you will be missing.

For me, as a young teenage girl from Brooklyn moving to PA.... I knew I would miss the BK parties, pep rallies, NY sounds, traffic and most of a the Brooklyn boys! Lol... (seeing that I was too afraid to even talk to them... It wasn't like I wanted a boyfriend... I'd just miss their swagga... Their ability to make me laugh!) but in general you think about all that will be happening without you. The fact that your family will have dinner ... Without you every night. How your friends will continue to frequent Kings Plaza and see matinees on a Saturday with out you. How the world seems to go on.... With out you. That was my biggest fear- not being missed.

But I digress. Knowing that these feelings could be a bit overwhelming, especially since this person has to go, for if she didn't her disappointment will eat her alive. Being that I am a friend of this person (I think) I took it upon myself to be something of a personal cheerleader. Reminding her that this was her decision, and this is something she wanted, and most importantly she is young and this is the time for her to spread her theoretical wings.

Me: I guess congratulations are in order?
Her: no. Sadness
Me: what? Were you not accepted into the program you went for
Her: I will be moving
Me: I know, I guess it's bittersweet but none the less
....
Me: well ur young and I'm excited for you. You get to try something different!
Her: different isn't always better
Me: no... But it's different ... Keeps you from becoming complacent
Her: True. Just like staying in a relationship Through high school and college. Change bound to come
Me: Touché
Her: sorry. Just kidding
Me: no you weren’t, it's okay
Her: it's just that you were talking about complacency, I couldn't help it

What the... OUCH! That left hook came out of no where, I didnt even realize we had gotten into the ring... I woulda put on my gloves ... At least put in a mouth guard in! Shit, what I look like with braces at this age.

But that comment ( or series of comments) had my head in a world spin. Am I complacent? When do you cross over line from being content into the quicksand of complacency?!?!?

Before I knew I wanted to get a masters in urban planning, before I knew I would get a BA in international relations, before I knew I would attend BU, before I graduated from hill, before I went to boarding school.... Well you get the idea. Before I knew anything, I knew one thing: I wanted to be a wife and mother.

It was my original goal. In all actuality if nothing else works out, I need that to work out. Bringing children into the world. Lil brown skinned angels(maybe a light one or two due to heritage) who I get to help support and mold into whole healthy people along with my loving husband-- means the world to me. Building a home, a foundation a place that will reflect who my family is... What we are, our love..... It's all very important to me.

What does that tangent have to do with complacency ? Absolutely nothing. That's my point, what I just described is nothing short of a life long dream of mine. Something that I see myself working towards. Therefore, to be called complacent came as a total surprise.

When venturing into a relationship if you see no future, why waste your time? Maybe it's just me. But the way i look at it I've been in a relationship for the past almost 6 years not only because of love, but because I see a future with this person. I have dreams with this person. We are striving towards something... Together! Is that complacent? Or am I content?

However I do believe that she isn't the only person who believes that my relationship is nothing more than a living Breathing security blanket. But quite the contrary, a relationship is one of the scariest places to be. Putting your trust and faith in someone besides your self, that's a risk. While on the contrary she hides behind her age as her reason for not being in a relationship. She , who is seemingly aspiring to Wilt Chamberlin status , has probably shared herself with more men than currently playing in the NBA. She is supposedly enjoying her life, living it up. But when will enough be enough? When will she have been with enough people to be okay with staying with just one person. To me her quest is similar to that of a meth or heroine addict... Constantly chasing the dragon... The allure of some mythical relationship she created in her head all the while increasingly becoming more disillusioned with the truth as a result of not having enough real experience in a real relationship. In all reality, she has become complacent. Instead of taking risks... Actually putting the work in to be in something real with another person, she takes the shallow route and does what is easy. Not demanding more, or expecting anything, she is the definition of complacency.

But to each his own.

Learn how to keep a man!

Say what?
There has been a lot of talk around me lately about women learning "how to keep a man"
and things of that nature. Honestly, it makes me uncomfortable. I see a lot of people these days giving baseless advice  urging others to follow what they preach as scripture. *cough* Steve Harvey *cough*
Not to say that there is absolutely no truth in what these people are saying...but it all goes back to my previous post about watching who you take advice from.
I digress though, back to the original point of women learning "how to keep a man."
My whole discrepency with this statement is...not every man is meant to be kept.
Women seem to have been brought into this state of "I need to be wanted in order to be worthy." It almost seems like her accomplishments outside of a relationship are only factors into keeping a relationship. It comes to a point where a woman is CEO, has (a) advanced degree(s,) her own place, is self-sufficient, but if she's single...all those things are almost USELESS...because she's doing all these great things with her life...but she cannot seem to catch and keep a man with it.
HOWEVER, I would like to play (God's) advocate, maybe she is so successful because she chose to make investments into her future rather than making an investment into a relationship that would've hindered her future. Maybe she has had men along the way that were willing to be caught but weren't worthy of keeping. Maybe she is waiting on someone who will compliment her lifestyle that she has chosen to be for her rather than hindering the process. She does this with no regrets because realistically men do this all the time!
I think, we as woman have to establish a new sense of self-worth. To know and understand that the underlying factor for almost every male action is the desire to get a woman. Once women own and accept this they wouldn't fear not being able to maintain a relationship with a man and settling for less than what she deserves just so she can have a man that is probably not worth keeping. She will know that no matter what she does she's worthy of being loved at her FULL potential and wouldn't be weighed down by the people on the outside saying that keeping a man is the ULTIMATE GOAL.
I want to personally retrain my brain to not accept the status quo of "learning how to keep a man" but "learning how to IDENTIFY and LOVE a man worth keeping." FURTHERMORE, a man worth keeping is a man who will love you because of who you are now, your dreams, ambitions, AND any future accomplishments.
There are plenty of fish in the ocean...the ocean is big...and if you fish with the right hook (frame of mind) you'll catch a fish but not any fish..a fish that you can unhook and will be still there riding the waves with you...

Disclaimer: These are just random thoughts...bear with me...

Whose...that....girl?

When we enter into relationships the experiences of our past on our environment growing up weight heavy on the decisions that we make within these relationships.
I had a long conversation with someone tonight that inspired me to write this post.
We had an in depth conversation on the emphasis placed on titles and how others perceive our relationships in relation to other factors.
Most importantly (in relation to this post) it was discussed and was previously reinforced by another person who said that, "a title without loyalty is just to pacify and satisfy the naive."
This struck a chord with me...not in a negative way...but in a "hallelujah, hallelujah" African-American church gospel kind of way.
Gleaning from my past relationships and male encounters...it has made me place less emphasis on titles.
Of course, I think they are important, but if and only if they are reinforced.
By placing a title on a relationship, i.e., this is my girlfriend, this is my fiancee, this is wife...
It comes with a certain level of responsibility. Your actions hold more weight and you should be held accountable for them. Anything that you know you cannot do in front of your partner but do anyway is a betrayl of the trust within the relationship that was established by the title.
These titles give us a sense of security, that in my opinion, shouldve been established before they were placed. There should be explicitly a certain level of trust as well as a certain level as respect.
In the end if you rely on this title to define what your relationship is...but you lack the basic principals that keeps a relationship healthy...
What exactly are you labeling?

Look in the mirror

Any decision and/or choice we make are a direct reflection of who we are.
More importantly, the people we surround ourselves with are a difrect reflection of who we are and how we think.
There are many quotes surrounding that concept; "you are the average for the five people that you spend the most time with" and "birds of a feather flock together..."
Which all it takes is common sense to figure out why this is true.
People keep others around them that they share similar views with, follow in similar life paths, and share similar beliefs as.
Even if it doesn't initially start off that way, we have this natural tendency to pick up the ideas and mannerisms of the peoplle around us.
Consciously or subconsciously.
Therefore the partners or the people we choose to start relationships are a reflection of us.
Our partner is usually at least the second highest on the list of  people who take up our quality time.
With that said, there is usually a lot of commanilty between partners...at least in a long lasting relationship.
If you are on a certain path and your partner is walking in the opposite direction, it's only a matter of time before one partner is forced to do an about face or the chains will strain and eventually break.
That's why it would be hard for a person whose a firm believer in loyalty to be able to maintain a relationship with a cheater.
Or a person's whose a huge advocate for higher education to become seriously involved with a high school drop out.
OR a gold digger to date someone with no gold to dig.
Now, opposites do attract, but people with deep rooted similar beliefs stay together.
But all in all, these are just my personal beliefs...and maybe our partners arent a reflection of who we are.
However, personally, I want to make a conscious effort to not claim anyone as my SIGNIFICANT other if their walk in life isn't a positive reflection of my choices or doesn't SIGNIFY that I have good decision making skills...
Not to satisfy the opinion of others...but to contribute to my own positive opinion of myself.

Listening to friends (family members...associates...pets...)

In life, it proves to be beneficial to have a strong support system. A lot of the time the foundation consists of our family, the people who gave us our basis on human interaction. The ones whether you're on good terms or not cannot escape the ties because of the genetic connection. Secondly, our support beams usually are our friends. People who we've met along the way in which we have a mutual connection with that's beyond just simple interaction but a genuine bond. Sometimes this connection begins to run so deep and strong that these beams become a solid part of our foundation.
Naturally when we begin to find comfort in our foundation and support beams so we start to lean on them when we don't feel secure in certain life decisions. This displays that we have a certain level of trust in them and that they will help hold us up and keep us steady. However, although our support system may have good intentions, they themselves may not have a similar support system. They will try to do their best at holding you up but their point of reference may be shaky...and you in turn may need to rely on your own instincts.
I use this metaphor to say, thread lightly and take with a grain of salt the advice offered to you from the people around you. This will probably be beneficial to you for several reasons...
A. A lot of people offer advice on subjects they know little to nothing about and based on superficial knowledge, like a show they watched the other day.
B. everyone has a bias before they lend advice. Meaning they already lean a certain way in any situation due to their own life experience
C. Sometimes we trust the wrong people. There are people in our lives that present themselves as friends and really (knowingly or unknowingly) don't want to see you acquire what they don't have themselves
D. There are selfish motives more often than not behind advice. Therefore your best interest isn't at the core of the decision.
E. The people closest to us may genuinely want for us what they don't have themselves, which may have been good for THEM but may not be the best for us.
F. The only person who can see the entire situation for what it truly is...is ourselves. When we relay back situations to other people we tell them from our own one-dimensional perspective.

Furthermore, a lot of us go to our closest girlfriends or our mother's or our sisters or our sisters baby daddy's cousin for advice on life decisions. Although seeing a situation from different perspectives is beneficial...it should only AID in the ultimate choice. For the simple fact when its all said and done you're the one who has to live with it. The WHOLE world could be telling you to  break up with or marry or have a baby with John John, but if it isn't in your heart to do it, you probably shouldn't. If you aren't confident in a decision that effects your life...how can someone else be so sure? Every choice and life path isn't meant for everybody and when we start living life based on everyone else's opinion when things go south we then tend to resent them and  then ourselves.

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The Sins of the Father (Mother..Aunt, Uncle even some Cousins) Pt. 1

Years ago, when I was still an young, impressionable girl, I was watching Oprah. She had a Doctor on the show speaking about relationships. Being that I was 12 or 13…. I found this information extremely crucial. I needed to know how I could identify a healthy relationship, to know which man I would marry to be able to procreate and so forth. Although it would be a good year or two before i even met my first boyfriend (using that term very loosely seeing as our relationship spanned all of a week, ending with me breaking up with him due to my inability to master my Biology class…i.e. I had too much homework to be someone’s girlfriend). Nonetheless, the Doctor was telling the audience that when we get into a relationship we are subconsciously working through all of our childhood issues. Therefore whatever cracks there are in the portrait of our childhoods in our mind, we spend the rest of our lives attempting to correct. At the time, I thought I was lucky. I was already 13, practically an adult, and to the best of my knowledge my childhood was perfect. Therefore, my relationships would be so much less tumultuous …( foreshadowing…)
Growing up in a West Indian family, I got used to hearing parables and sayings all the time. The one that perplexed me the most “the sins of the father, fall on the daughter”. I was extremely bothered by this saying—to me it meant it didn’t matter how good of a girl I was, my father’s sins would magically have a result on my life. As a result of my disdain for the saying in conjunction with the fact that I heard a new West Indian bit of wisdom every day: “if your ear rings, some one is talking about you”, “spit on your hair when you get a compliment” or “If you turn the broom upside down, unwanted company will leave” (ive tried that numerous times to no avail)--i ignored it. I soothed my soul by telling myself, like most things I heard growing up, it was simply untrue. However… that may have been the one piece of advice that I should have paid attention too.

As I grew up , I realized the saying wasn’t some type of black magic, but rather it was explaining the idea of patterns that are passed down from generation to generation. Basically, what you learned growing up , consciously and subconsciously, will come to light when you are an adult.

Uh oh…

Growing up in an household, where my father’s indiscretions were as discrete as a freight train in the wee hours in the morning, that probably should have been a red flag. However, his actions were extremely normalized—reinforced by Uncles, Aunts and older cousins who foolishly followed in the footsteps that were placed before them. Nevertheless, I felt like this experience made me stronger. I was smarter than the average girl. My perception of what life would be like when I grew up was brutally honest. For years I believed that I had been unaltered by whatever did not go right in my wonder years... boy was I wrong.



One day, I woke up, and realized, that everything I thought I'd avoided, I had really ignored. And all of the complexes that have been growing in that dark corner of my personality, are actually still there and have had an effect on every decision I've made regarding relationships, and everything else in my life. Now in the 5th year of my relationship, I find myself realizing things about myself I had never known before.

A few weeks back I learned something new about relationships in the darndest place... Church. The reverend was speaking about relationships and why there are so many issues when it comes to men and women relating to each other in a romantic sense. The most poignant point that he presented was that once you are in a relationship and are happy and you feel safe and secure-- that’s when you're real issues will surface. As a result of your partner being a supportive force in your life, you will feel secure enough (subconsciously.. maybe even consciously) for your little "demons" to rear their ugly heads.

To round this drawn out post down, the reason i wanted to discuss this is to say we all have hang ups. Issues that we have not fully addressed whether we realize it or not. In order to have the healthiest relationships possible we must face these issues. For years I acted as if I wasn’t upset with my daddy for cheating on me (yes, I took it very personally) however, once I was honest with myself, and my father... I was able to realize that I did have un resolved issues.
Its not easy trying to figure out what our patterns are regarding love and relationships, and not everything that you picked up in childhood is negative. Some positive thoughts emotions and ideas could have been developed and nurtured. And you should give that just as much attention as you give the not so positive ones. However, do yourself (and your future mate) a favor. Reflect.

That Good Good

I have been prompted to write a blog about the power of the penis.
Every person that I pitched the idea to told me that it would be more beneficial to write a blog about the power of the vagina...since it seems like it is deemed more powerful than the penis.
However, I decided that it wouldn't make sense for me to write that blog because I have never experienced the power of vagina. I've never had vagina...I don't know what it feels like and I don't know how a powerful vagina is introduced or the power it would have over me.
SO I'll stick to what I know.
The power of the penis.
NOT just any penis...but good penis. In the sense that when that penis is slayed on you...you don't know how to act...in short you become deaf dumb and blind.
For example, sometimes, we become spectators in our friends relationships, usually this occurs when they are going bad...because when things are good we they don't complain.
So when we begin to hear the complaining and the lists of the things wrong in our friend's relationships usually our first response is to work it out and if it just seems beyond hope we tell our friend to let it go. The friend may verbally agree, comply, and "move on" from the situation.

• Let me be clear, I am not talking about any old friend. I mean the friend that usually seems mentally and emotionally stable. The one that is always more logical in their situations and know when the time is up. The friend that when a relationship has run its course has no problem saying good-bye.

BUT a month later this very friend comes back speaking of the same mate they should've let go thirty days prior. As a friend we begin to wonder if things are so bad why are you returning...
THE POWER OF GOOD PENIS!

She isn't returning for the void that was left due to him leaving...she's stronger than that. She doesn't feel like she requires the love of the opposite sex to feel complete, because she loves herself enough. She definitely doesn't need the financial support because "she got her own..." But you know what she can't provide for herself...GOOD PENIS!

We hear all these songs about BOBs (battery operated boyfriends) and how essential they are in the lives of women who are usually too busy or not patient enough to sustain a real life one...but once you experience that GOOD PENIS...you'd rather take the baggage that comes along with it and returning to BOB is no longer an option...

The baby momma, the momma's boy, the no job, the lack of education, the lack of ambition, the absence of his own car...now seems so minor...
Good penis will let you ignore all the flaws...
until that penis no longer wants your complacent behind...and you're stuck with memories formed and a laundry list of problems that seemed to linger while the penis moved on.

(Now, if you read this and you don't quite understand what Im talking about...you've probably never had good penis...and it may be better that you don't... unless that good penis comes with an even BETTER man...!)

I want you to want me...

The female is a mystical creature. From the time she is created she is brought up to believe in "the fairy tale"... Love! Love is at the center of the perfect woman's world- she exudes love...she is the personification of it. If a woman is loved, it means she's beautiful-someone thinks she is special...in a world where women are ....disposable. That's right, as a female, you are taught, that a man's love for you proves that you are different... Now how does this explains why a female is often put off if she feels like a man isn't attracted to her, physically or otherwise? Its easy...her sense of security is shaken... Its hard for a girl to feel unwanted. She looses that confidence in the one thing that we women always have to fall back on...our beauty. Women are taught that there is one main way for a man to value you....and that's physically. So it doesn't matter who he is...her boyfriend, best friend, neighbor classmate or deacon....a woman wants a man to want her....just for her own gratification...even if she prays nightly that he never acts on these feelings.

We can't be friends...

There was a question posed (that are TREMENDOUSLY encouraged on this site) about Platonic friends. The exact question states: Why do women complain about not having platonic male friends and that every guy is tryna fuck them but a guy is actually tryna be a platonic friend they start to flirt or catch feelings?


As women, through our life experiences, we have this notion that most men want to enter inside of our vaginas, so we think every man is trying to pursure us. Therefore, when we have a male in our life who just wants to be our friend and that doesn't try to get into our pants... we, whether explicitly stated or not, think they are homosexual. If it proves, from their actions and advances towards other women that they aren't gay, our defenses are lowered and we will do anything for them...yet we are cautious. As this progresses, we start to wonder, from our inner insecurities, why isn't this person pursuing us? Are they not interested or attracted to us? So we begin to flirt and make advances towards them to remove our self-doubt.

In the book, Art of Seduction by Robert Greene (Art of Seduction,) there is a story that backs this claim. The story goes, there is this guy that has been after a particular woman. His history with women was lengthy and was a known seducer, however he was very unattractive. As a result of that, the woman isn't interested in him and he is frustrated by that. He starts a heavy pursuit by running into her by "accident" and tries to befriend the young lady...having conversations with her daily. He tries to become her "confidante" and it works. As the friendship blossoms, she opens up to him about her inner thoughts and desires. Due to the fact that she was so comfortable with him...she begins to feel secure in their friendship. This sense of security and lack of pursuit created a yearning within her. She wanted to be with the seducer...she was now in love with him...and long story short she ends up marrying him.

This story was told within the Art of Seduction to show that the most successful way of winning a woman over is showing a lack of interest in her vagina. As humans, we are very intrigued by behavior that isn't expected. We are also attracted to comfort, security and sad to say...the chase.
Now this is just in general. Of course there are exceptions to the rule and there are women, like myself, who can have completely platonic relationships with men. The reasoning behind this is because personally, I prefer it.  I only form platonic relationships with men that I know absolutely nothing will happen with. Men that I can practically sleep in the same bed and mutually there will be no desire to have sex. If I am sexually attracted to a male or see potential for that, I don't pursue a friendship. Just because if I can't have sex with you...I can't date you. With that said if I can't date you I place you in the family category A.K.A "you're my brother.."
And we don't practice incest 'round here.
Plain and simple.

Daddy's Girl

… its funny that the name of the first post in Genesis… it kind of comes natural to use biblical references when it comes to relationships. Well, the beginning for a little girl is our relationship with our father. Growing up, your father is your provider, protector, and your epitome of a male.

So what if you do not have a healthy relationship with your father?

Or your parents do not have a healthy relationship with each other?

Well, from experience with the former, not the latter… you look for that person who is most like your father, and in some ways continue this unhealthy cycle…. But as many of you

will say “Who is to say what is healthy and what isn’t? Who are we to impose on others relationships and say it’s unhealthy because they do not communicate in a way society wants deems is normal?” May be others will say, “Oh that’s why I’m always attracted to a type of male? My father has that quality in him…. “

Well YES you are absolutely right…

Before my current relationship, I was the girl that was attracted to the handsome smooth “bad guy” who loved to party, drink, and most of all…. Other GIRLS ….YES that was my dad (when he was younger)…. It wasn’t until I analyzed this aspect and started to view my father in another light that I kind of broke this cycle. My dad is a hard worker, and although he has children outside of his marriage to my mother, he has always provided for them, and made sure we all knew each other. This new idea, lead me to my “new” relationship, where I am with a man that is hard working and tries his best to provide for everyone around him. Some of you who know him may say: he does like to party and flirts with other females… Well, I know he is LOYAL, not only because he loves me (yes my dad loves me too) but also because he loves god (something my father has never shown he cares about)…

Am I saying that my current and I have a perfect relationship? NO but we are trying….

So for all those females out there that are unhappy with your relationship, and you “always” fall for a type of male, look to the better qualities in the first male in your life, and that’s what you will start to look for in a man….

Am I saying that’s the answer to relationship woes? NO but it’s a start… if you change your outlook on your father, you are changing yourself.

Other quirks…

How does one put a stop to this? I don’t know… That is something I am still working on…

I'm a Daddy's Girl!!!! Arent we all???

- alVjoe

Genesis...

 

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there were six princesses. These young women were created and formed into characters that young girls would want to fashion themselves after. Going as far as Buying their dolls, imitation life-size dresses, plastic costume jewelry and reenact scenes from the movies that were on repeat in their VHS (and now DVD/BluRay) players. It all seemed so innocent until prince charming gets introduced. The seemingly not so perfect man but extremely physically appealing and strong young gentleman that always seems to save the day. He always starts off as a monster (Beauty and the Beast) or poor (Aladdin) and as the movie progresses you begin to think he's just misunderstood. Furthermore, when he meets the princess he starts to soften or realize the error in his ways and the love between them is strong enough to turn him into prince charming. Then...they live happily ever after.

How realistic is this?

In my opinion, not even close...

But unknowingly this is the basis of all the romantic relationships that we form throughout our lives.

They say, that the first loving relationship we have is with our fathers...which to some extent is true...

But the first ROMANTIC relationship we have is with The Beast, Aladdin, Prince Eric, etc...

How can our next boyfriend live up to that?

They never do.

So either we get hip to the fact that these Disney characters don't exist and we have to find love in real guys with real flaws that are perfect for us.

Or we live the rest of our lives looking for  "Prince charming"...or worst of all...taking a frog and try to love him hard enough so he becomes our prince.

In real life when you kiss a frog...he remains a frog...and you end up with warts.

This frustrating process only becomes a cycle that only can be broken/cured by a dose of reality.

And this blog is it.

And if this isn't enough and you need dessert... you can hit up aintthatboutabitch.blogspot.com. (The male perspective)

Bon Appetit.