There's a thin line, between content and complacent

Talking to a friend the other day regarding a life changing move she was about to undergo. Not feeling the idea of packing up and leaving everything that feels right, she was sounding rather hesitant. Being that I uprooted my life at the age of 14 to attend boarding school... I understood how scary the whole process of relocation is. Despite knowing that you are investing in future happiness.... And also undertaking a new adventure it is heart wrenching to think of all that you will be missing.

For me, as a young teenage girl from Brooklyn moving to PA.... I knew I would miss the BK parties, pep rallies, NY sounds, traffic and most of a the Brooklyn boys! Lol... (seeing that I was too afraid to even talk to them... It wasn't like I wanted a boyfriend... I'd just miss their swagga... Their ability to make me laugh!) but in general you think about all that will be happening without you. The fact that your family will have dinner ... Without you every night. How your friends will continue to frequent Kings Plaza and see matinees on a Saturday with out you. How the world seems to go on.... With out you. That was my biggest fear- not being missed.

But I digress. Knowing that these feelings could be a bit overwhelming, especially since this person has to go, for if she didn't her disappointment will eat her alive. Being that I am a friend of this person (I think) I took it upon myself to be something of a personal cheerleader. Reminding her that this was her decision, and this is something she wanted, and most importantly she is young and this is the time for her to spread her theoretical wings.

Me: I guess congratulations are in order?
Her: no. Sadness
Me: what? Were you not accepted into the program you went for
Her: I will be moving
Me: I know, I guess it's bittersweet but none the less
....
Me: well ur young and I'm excited for you. You get to try something different!
Her: different isn't always better
Me: no... But it's different ... Keeps you from becoming complacent
Her: True. Just like staying in a relationship Through high school and college. Change bound to come
Me: Touché
Her: sorry. Just kidding
Me: no you weren’t, it's okay
Her: it's just that you were talking about complacency, I couldn't help it

What the... OUCH! That left hook came out of no where, I didnt even realize we had gotten into the ring... I woulda put on my gloves ... At least put in a mouth guard in! Shit, what I look like with braces at this age.

But that comment ( or series of comments) had my head in a world spin. Am I complacent? When do you cross over line from being content into the quicksand of complacency?!?!?

Before I knew I wanted to get a masters in urban planning, before I knew I would get a BA in international relations, before I knew I would attend BU, before I graduated from hill, before I went to boarding school.... Well you get the idea. Before I knew anything, I knew one thing: I wanted to be a wife and mother.

It was my original goal. In all actuality if nothing else works out, I need that to work out. Bringing children into the world. Lil brown skinned angels(maybe a light one or two due to heritage) who I get to help support and mold into whole healthy people along with my loving husband-- means the world to me. Building a home, a foundation a place that will reflect who my family is... What we are, our love..... It's all very important to me.

What does that tangent have to do with complacency ? Absolutely nothing. That's my point, what I just described is nothing short of a life long dream of mine. Something that I see myself working towards. Therefore, to be called complacent came as a total surprise.

When venturing into a relationship if you see no future, why waste your time? Maybe it's just me. But the way i look at it I've been in a relationship for the past almost 6 years not only because of love, but because I see a future with this person. I have dreams with this person. We are striving towards something... Together! Is that complacent? Or am I content?

However I do believe that she isn't the only person who believes that my relationship is nothing more than a living Breathing security blanket. But quite the contrary, a relationship is one of the scariest places to be. Putting your trust and faith in someone besides your self, that's a risk. While on the contrary she hides behind her age as her reason for not being in a relationship. She , who is seemingly aspiring to Wilt Chamberlin status , has probably shared herself with more men than currently playing in the NBA. She is supposedly enjoying her life, living it up. But when will enough be enough? When will she have been with enough people to be okay with staying with just one person. To me her quest is similar to that of a meth or heroine addict... Constantly chasing the dragon... The allure of some mythical relationship she created in her head all the while increasingly becoming more disillusioned with the truth as a result of not having enough real experience in a real relationship. In all reality, she has become complacent. Instead of taking risks... Actually putting the work in to be in something real with another person, she takes the shallow route and does what is easy. Not demanding more, or expecting anything, she is the definition of complacency.

But to each his own.

Learn how to keep a man!

Say what?
There has been a lot of talk around me lately about women learning "how to keep a man"
and things of that nature. Honestly, it makes me uncomfortable. I see a lot of people these days giving baseless advice  urging others to follow what they preach as scripture. *cough* Steve Harvey *cough*
Not to say that there is absolutely no truth in what these people are saying...but it all goes back to my previous post about watching who you take advice from.
I digress though, back to the original point of women learning "how to keep a man."
My whole discrepency with this statement is...not every man is meant to be kept.
Women seem to have been brought into this state of "I need to be wanted in order to be worthy." It almost seems like her accomplishments outside of a relationship are only factors into keeping a relationship. It comes to a point where a woman is CEO, has (a) advanced degree(s,) her own place, is self-sufficient, but if she's single...all those things are almost USELESS...because she's doing all these great things with her life...but she cannot seem to catch and keep a man with it.
HOWEVER, I would like to play (God's) advocate, maybe she is so successful because she chose to make investments into her future rather than making an investment into a relationship that would've hindered her future. Maybe she has had men along the way that were willing to be caught but weren't worthy of keeping. Maybe she is waiting on someone who will compliment her lifestyle that she has chosen to be for her rather than hindering the process. She does this with no regrets because realistically men do this all the time!
I think, we as woman have to establish a new sense of self-worth. To know and understand that the underlying factor for almost every male action is the desire to get a woman. Once women own and accept this they wouldn't fear not being able to maintain a relationship with a man and settling for less than what she deserves just so she can have a man that is probably not worth keeping. She will know that no matter what she does she's worthy of being loved at her FULL potential and wouldn't be weighed down by the people on the outside saying that keeping a man is the ULTIMATE GOAL.
I want to personally retrain my brain to not accept the status quo of "learning how to keep a man" but "learning how to IDENTIFY and LOVE a man worth keeping." FURTHERMORE, a man worth keeping is a man who will love you because of who you are now, your dreams, ambitions, AND any future accomplishments.
There are plenty of fish in the ocean...the ocean is big...and if you fish with the right hook (frame of mind) you'll catch a fish but not any fish..a fish that you can unhook and will be still there riding the waves with you...

Disclaimer: These are just random thoughts...bear with me...

Whose...that....girl?

When we enter into relationships the experiences of our past on our environment growing up weight heavy on the decisions that we make within these relationships.
I had a long conversation with someone tonight that inspired me to write this post.
We had an in depth conversation on the emphasis placed on titles and how others perceive our relationships in relation to other factors.
Most importantly (in relation to this post) it was discussed and was previously reinforced by another person who said that, "a title without loyalty is just to pacify and satisfy the naive."
This struck a chord with me...not in a negative way...but in a "hallelujah, hallelujah" African-American church gospel kind of way.
Gleaning from my past relationships and male encounters...it has made me place less emphasis on titles.
Of course, I think they are important, but if and only if they are reinforced.
By placing a title on a relationship, i.e., this is my girlfriend, this is my fiancee, this is wife...
It comes with a certain level of responsibility. Your actions hold more weight and you should be held accountable for them. Anything that you know you cannot do in front of your partner but do anyway is a betrayl of the trust within the relationship that was established by the title.
These titles give us a sense of security, that in my opinion, shouldve been established before they were placed. There should be explicitly a certain level of trust as well as a certain level as respect.
In the end if you rely on this title to define what your relationship is...but you lack the basic principals that keeps a relationship healthy...
What exactly are you labeling?

Look in the mirror

Any decision and/or choice we make are a direct reflection of who we are.
More importantly, the people we surround ourselves with are a difrect reflection of who we are and how we think.
There are many quotes surrounding that concept; "you are the average for the five people that you spend the most time with" and "birds of a feather flock together..."
Which all it takes is common sense to figure out why this is true.
People keep others around them that they share similar views with, follow in similar life paths, and share similar beliefs as.
Even if it doesn't initially start off that way, we have this natural tendency to pick up the ideas and mannerisms of the peoplle around us.
Consciously or subconsciously.
Therefore the partners or the people we choose to start relationships are a reflection of us.
Our partner is usually at least the second highest on the list of  people who take up our quality time.
With that said, there is usually a lot of commanilty between partners...at least in a long lasting relationship.
If you are on a certain path and your partner is walking in the opposite direction, it's only a matter of time before one partner is forced to do an about face or the chains will strain and eventually break.
That's why it would be hard for a person whose a firm believer in loyalty to be able to maintain a relationship with a cheater.
Or a person's whose a huge advocate for higher education to become seriously involved with a high school drop out.
OR a gold digger to date someone with no gold to dig.
Now, opposites do attract, but people with deep rooted similar beliefs stay together.
But all in all, these are just my personal beliefs...and maybe our partners arent a reflection of who we are.
However, personally, I want to make a conscious effort to not claim anyone as my SIGNIFICANT other if their walk in life isn't a positive reflection of my choices or doesn't SIGNIFY that I have good decision making skills...
Not to satisfy the opinion of others...but to contribute to my own positive opinion of myself.

Listening to friends (family members...associates...pets...)

In life, it proves to be beneficial to have a strong support system. A lot of the time the foundation consists of our family, the people who gave us our basis on human interaction. The ones whether you're on good terms or not cannot escape the ties because of the genetic connection. Secondly, our support beams usually are our friends. People who we've met along the way in which we have a mutual connection with that's beyond just simple interaction but a genuine bond. Sometimes this connection begins to run so deep and strong that these beams become a solid part of our foundation.
Naturally when we begin to find comfort in our foundation and support beams so we start to lean on them when we don't feel secure in certain life decisions. This displays that we have a certain level of trust in them and that they will help hold us up and keep us steady. However, although our support system may have good intentions, they themselves may not have a similar support system. They will try to do their best at holding you up but their point of reference may be shaky...and you in turn may need to rely on your own instincts.
I use this metaphor to say, thread lightly and take with a grain of salt the advice offered to you from the people around you. This will probably be beneficial to you for several reasons...
A. A lot of people offer advice on subjects they know little to nothing about and based on superficial knowledge, like a show they watched the other day.
B. everyone has a bias before they lend advice. Meaning they already lean a certain way in any situation due to their own life experience
C. Sometimes we trust the wrong people. There are people in our lives that present themselves as friends and really (knowingly or unknowingly) don't want to see you acquire what they don't have themselves
D. There are selfish motives more often than not behind advice. Therefore your best interest isn't at the core of the decision.
E. The people closest to us may genuinely want for us what they don't have themselves, which may have been good for THEM but may not be the best for us.
F. The only person who can see the entire situation for what it truly is...is ourselves. When we relay back situations to other people we tell them from our own one-dimensional perspective.

Furthermore, a lot of us go to our closest girlfriends or our mother's or our sisters or our sisters baby daddy's cousin for advice on life decisions. Although seeing a situation from different perspectives is beneficial...it should only AID in the ultimate choice. For the simple fact when its all said and done you're the one who has to live with it. The WHOLE world could be telling you to  break up with or marry or have a baby with John John, but if it isn't in your heart to do it, you probably shouldn't. If you aren't confident in a decision that effects your life...how can someone else be so sure? Every choice and life path isn't meant for everybody and when we start living life based on everyone else's opinion when things go south we then tend to resent them and  then ourselves.

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